I Know It's Wrong But...Parking Lotz!
by Lisa
Ahh, the crowded parking lot. Such a pain in the ass! Such a nightmare-ish end to the already nightmare-ish commute. I think circling a parking lot looking for a spot might be second only to hanging out at the DMV as far as dreadful experiencez go.
Knowing this, it's surprising that -- when I notice the lot filled with searching vehiclez -- I purposely walk down an aisle that I am not parked in. This way, the carz slowly lurking behind me will have to take a shit when I dart into an adjacent aisle, hop into my sweet ride, and they’re shit out of luck :))
I'll slow my pace, too. I like to really milk it. I zone in on a vehicle parked in the aisle as if it were mine. It's important to convince the searching driverz that they don't have to lower the window and ask me where I'm heading. I clearly exhibit my keyz as a sign that I'm ready to move out. It's an art. I really break out my actress skillz. I want those doosh driverz to feel super-confident that they've found their woman! Right up until I make a turn into parked carz and disappear from sight lol.
I mean, go to hell, right?! Who are they to suddenly put me under surveillance like I owe them something? We're not in this together, sir! If I was in another car, we'd be in competition. But, somehow, since I'm done with my business in the plaza for the day at the exact time said doosh in the nearest car or truck is looking for a parking space, I'm suddenly drafted onto their team? No way, man! It's a free agent era! Nobody owns Lisa!