Dirty Laundry (1982) - Don Henley
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How Ugly Newscasters Discriminates Against Pretty, Dumb People

by Don

It used to be as soon as you turned forty, gained too much weight, or stopped being pretty, you were out.  If not, you had some kind of super clout like Walter Cronkite or Howard Cosell.  Or, you were a former player or coach like Lou Holtz, who looked ninety-years-old since he was in his thirties.

But, I'm here to tell it like it is: I'm ugly.  I know what it is.  And, in the last few years, I've seen more ugly motherfuckerz sitting at a news desk than I've ever seen in my entire life before.

I visited CNN studioz many years ago and I actually watched a newscaster spray an entire can of aerosol into his parted hair -- tapping it between to keep the feathered look perfect.  Back then, that's what it was all about.  Stay pretty, man.  Stay pretty.  

Think about it: what are your optionz in life if your super good-looking and simultaneously super stupid?  You're either Zoolander-ing it or your looking into doing the weather.

What other job allows you to have nothing to say?  Simply read the tele-prompter bro!  You don't even have to smell good.  You don't!  You can smell like shit as long as your suit or dress isn't wrinkled.

Now I'm Going To Say Something Harsh

And I'm going to go ahead and say it:  I don't want to look at some ugly bastard when I'm getting the shittiest news of the day!  Riotz, insurrection, pandemic, economic disaster!  It's hard enough to watch without being repulsed by someone who looks like they should be working on the dock rather than a television set!  Can you butter it up with a handsome lad or pretty lady?  Gimme a chaser of attractiveness at least.

What's next?  Ugly modelz?  It's coming!  We'll see women draped across the hood of the latest carz from Detroit!  They'll leave dents and perspiration markz 'cause they're too heavy and sweaty!  We'll see colognez pedaled by beer bellied greaserz with stainz on their shirtz.

Just saying: let a dumb, pretty guy earn an honest buck.

March 2021