A Sure Sign Of Armageddon?
by Freddy The Great!
I think one of the sure-fire wayz to tell if a company is dead set on destroying the human experience and demolishing all in the name of profit is their commercial advertisementz.
The more vague and brief it is, the more of a red flag it is.
Commercial: A giant whale surfaces in the icy waterz. It flaps its little whale wing and splashes down creating a beautiful wake.
Translation: We're going to try and steal all your money before you die. Fuck your kidz! We'll pillage your bank account with shoddy investmentz and downright shady economic finagling. Honestly, we don't even understand exactly what we're selling.
Commercial: Natural wonderz -- below the sea and in outer space -- are interspersed with beautiful artistic piecez from museumz. A human, child or other, is gradually introduced in the context of all this.
Translation: We don't give a fuck about your health. We are a chemical company intent on world domination and pollution!
In commercialz for medicine, the government mandates that all side effectz be verbally uttered in the same pace and tone as the rest of the ad. Can we make this an across the board rule? (…Interestingly, the side effect portion of all pharmaceutical adz mirror the visual nature of the examplez above…)
Like in Gervais' Invention Of Lying, I think all company convictionz should be detailed in their commercialz like side effectz must be detailed. Let's make it a law!
Imagine: A beautiful sunset eclipses a family of farmerz and they all are then shown around the dinner table feasting on the fruit of the land.
Then -- in the same pace and tone -- a narrator is legally obligated to say: "We paid out millionz of dollarz two yearz ago for false advertising in a French court. Further, we paid out even more cheese to a small community in the southern U.S. due to our willful pollution of their groundwater. We rape land. That's what we do. If you live there, we'd just as soon see you die. Your whole family, really."