How To Date A Vegas Mobster's Girlfriend in 1977
by "Tommy"
[Got Goggz Note: Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent.]
I don't know how you get any really good "mobster mistress" nowadays. With cell phones, social media, and GPS, I can't imagine how anybody looking to date a mobster's girlfriend would fare. I think it would be a bit of foreplay then a knock on the door, and suddenly you turn up dead in the desert.
Ahh, the '70s may have been the last true window for experiencing "made" ladiez. It just so happens that every time I hit Sin City in the late '70s, a dancer took a liking to me while simultaneously being the 'other women' for a goombah. I came to develop the following guidelinez by improvisation. I share them now as a public service.
How to date a mobster's girlfriend on a Vegas weekender in 1977:
1. Wear a mustache: First of all, it's the fashion of the moment and you're gonna look good, my friend. Further, it can easily be shaved to buy you some time at the airport so you can board your plane back to the east coast. See a mustache-less Burt Reynoldz or Tom Selleck for evidence to this effect.
2. Have a bit of girth: Without sounding crass (...if that's possible at this point...), without a reputable girth, she's likely to opt for her mobster boyfriend. Yeah, he may smell like sausage doused in cologne, but girth is always what a mobster's girl digs. I didn't write the book.
3. Keep her in the dark: Always meet at her place. Don't ever divulge where you're staying! This may seem counterintuitive, but its sound advice. Mobsterz think people are scared of them, so they won't suspect anyone would have the cojonez to schtup their lady right under their nose. If she persists on knowing where you're staying, don't lie, but be sure to give her the wrong floor number. This way, if there's any interrogation, she will be giving what she believes is truthful information. And from experience, sometimes it's best that they search for you at your actual hotel. You'll know they're on to you and you can bail. (...At check-in, always grease the concierge to ring your room if there's any commotion. In 1977, $50 is more than generous...)
4. Pack an appropriate uniform. I always opt for electrician gear, but it's up to you. You have to be ready in case anyone does in fact show at her place during the screw session. Vegas doesn't have cold weather, so make sure you pick a light fabric. You will need to wear the uniform shirt under your disco shirt. Remember, it's 1977 Vegas, so you'll be able to unbutton both shirts to your belly to keep cool. If there's a knock at the door, you're the apartment building's super trying to fix the kitchen light socket. 'Nuff said. If they happen to inquire as to why you have such nice shoez and slackz on, simply say, "Hey, it's Vegas, baby!"