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A Better Test

by Timmy

Timmy's always got his earz to the expertz.  I was recently reading a piece on pre-employment personality testz.  I took a shit ton of these in the Army and my current career as a corporate doosh bag.  


All of the testz essentially posed questionz to be sure that I could take orderz like a little bitch and/or deal with stress like a lion on the rage -- not exactly your complementary characteristicz.  But, such is the dichotomy of predatory lifestylez -- be it with bootz on the ground or a tie around my neck.  (...I'm a total piece of shit...)

According to the piece, more and more mainstream employerz don't feel these testz are worthwhile.  Margaret Jenkins and Richard Griffin write about this process in their article for the Journal of Business and Psychology.  Jenkins and Griffin (2004) write: "The popularity of using personality measures in selection has been hindered by a lack of good basis for prediction."  


Jenkins and Griffin try to improve the process with their own method and evaluation.  But they still used the pen and paper method, having participants fill out a pointed survey.

That's ancient technique as far as I'm concerned!  Timmy's got the perfect solution, the perfect way to test a personality.  Simply ask the candidate to list the appz on their cell phone.  The appz that we download are a flawless mirror of our soulz.

What follows are my initial categoriez in terms of the male personality gained by analyzing my close circle of buddiez.  Disclaimer: This will need to either be adopted and/or modified for female personalitiez. 

The James Bond

This guy's appz make him feel like he's in the spy game.  My buddy "Stick" is this type.  He thinks he's the new Inspector Gadget and his phone is like a high-tech Swiss Army knife.  He breaks out his compass at any given opportunity just to let everyone know where they currently stand in termz of the planet's polez.  I think he actually gets aroused when he has an opportunity to use his flashlight app.

The Peter Pan

This guy's appz are all about gamez and jokez.  "Blitz" -- my buddy from Pittsburgh -- fits this category perfectly.  He even confessed that his first installation was for an app that made a noise for every kind of fart.  He lets virtual fartz rip while standing in line at the supermarket or during sudden lullz in our office meetingz.  And when he's not creating nonsense with his fart appz, he's playing PacMan or Dig Dug.  (...Which are awesome gamez for the phone, btw...Timmy approved...)

The Gordon Gekko

This guy's appz are all about the ticker tape.  This guy wants to be able to tell you where the Dow is and where the price of beanz is at.  His YouTube app always opens to a clip of Michael Douglass tearing someone a new asshole in Wallstreet.  My former friend "Dipshit" is this type.  (...This type of person won't be your friend for long of course...I mean Gekko fucks people over.  That's what Dipshitz do; they're all about the I, me, and mine.  Named after a cold-blooded lizard for crying out loud...) 

The Saved By The Bell

This guy can't have enough social networking appz.  He's got the "F", "I", and the "T" icons giving him push notificationz and pop-upz all day long.  He blew a load when Tik Tok came out -- and not for sexual content.  But because it makes him feel connected to the world in a new, personal way.  Any downtime for this guy has him thinking: "Did Whitney upload that pic we took at the moviez?  Damn, I looked good."  Or, "I wonder if anyone's commented on my beach selfie.  I just shaved my nipz and, damn, I looked good."  I, Timmy, am a Saved By The Bell :))

The Doc

This is people like my buddy "Stinky".  The Doc, also known as the Wild Scientist, carries a variety of appz from across the cosmic spectrum of appz.  He's got a phone full of Moon appz that allow him to track the tidez and lunar phasez and all that shit.  He has educational appz that'll ensure a nerdy future of A-B-Cs, 1-2-3s, and Do-Re-Mis for his kiddiez.  Need a compass?  Or a star map?  Or, do you need to know the barometric pressure of your immediate vicinity?  The Doc's got your back.

April 2022

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